69 days down, 5 to go

I know, it has been so long and you have all been met with disappointment upon each viewing of my blog that results in yet another updateless day. Well, half of that is correct anyway. "What have I been up to?" You ask. I would be happy to fill you in on all of the exciting details of my life over the past several weeks. This should take about three sentences (but I do tend to be a bit long-winded, even while typing). Basically, I have felt excellent since my last update. I have been biking and exercising any day that I have had time to. Also, everyone kind of came through for me when I said that I was insanely bored. Over the past several weeks, I have spent probably about 36 combined hours in La Crosse because friends in either the Dells or The Cities have provided me with assorted means to stay occupied. I have only had maybe one or two mornings to my self over this period of time. I have been pretty busy painting, working on the Dells house, catching up with old friends, making new ones, and of course eating/drinking on the patio at Salut.

But enough catching up, lets get down to the proverbial brass tacks (does anyone even know what that means?). A few weeks ago I had my barium test. It wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. The tube was not very large at all, and it only had one mishap when it shot out of where it was supposed to stay put and sprayed barium everywhere. While I would LOVE to describe this in every offensive detail that I can muster, I am attempting to keep this thing PG, or maybe PG-13, so just use your imaginations. Anyway, it was a pretty interesting procedure. I even watched on the monitor as the barium slowly crept up my new "colon" and then spilled out into my ostomy bag like the spring flood waters reaching the Mississippi River Delta. Also during this procedure, I stumbled upon the perfect joke for any procedure involving anything being inserted into an individual's rectum. I have tried many one-liners in an attempt to make the medical staff more uncomfortable than I. After all, why should I be completely at their mercy? You are all free to use this one. So the younger doctor that was overseeing the test tried to sympathize and say that all of these procedures must be pretty uncomfortable for me. I replied with, "Yea, this whole experience would be a lot more enjoyable if I were some sort of sexual deviant." The uncomfortable laughter that this was met with was pure beauty.

So that test went well, and everything is on track. Just five days to go from today. It is all pretty crazy. While I would love to embark onto a retrospective diatribe concerning the ups and downs of the past 2+ months, I fear that I must save that for after the surgery sometime. I go in on the 15th for my takedown. I did get some excellent details on how this procedures is performed. I asked the doctors if they just shove everything back in and sew it up. Apparently it is not that simple. What they do is pull a portion of my intestines out of my body (I know, sweet), and then cut out the part that goes to the ostomy, then they sew the two ends back together and shove it all back in. I think that flux and solder are involved somehow, but I am not sure. I was hoping to get some sort of camouflage hospital gown and perhaps a WWII military surplus helmet in order to finally re-enact that beginning scene from Saving Private Ryan (how is that for foreshadowing? I only wish that I had planned it [see blog entry #2 if you are confused]) After that, I will basically be good to go. I will have to stay at the hospital until I have a bowel movement (the beauty never ends). This can range from two to perhaps nine days. It all depends when my GI track feels like waking up. So I will probably feel great for as long as I am there, which with any luck will only be two or three days. I foresee a very boring stay.

I guess that is about it for now. I will let everyone know how it goes on Friday as I will probably be up and about pretty quickly. It is only a 2 or 2 1/2 hour procedure. Until then, thanks for all of the support.