Filling in a few blanks

I know that it has been a few days, but I assure you that they have been action packed. Let's jump right into the gory details. So Thursday started out great, but ended mostly with me being covered in assorted bodily fluids at semi-regular intervals. The main culprit this time was my JP tube, which is a tube used to drain fluid from a surgery site I guess. It just continued to leak no matter how many times we changed the dressings. I think that there must have been some ostomy leakage interspersed in there, but it has been a few days and I can't recall as vividly. Much of this clean-up/laundry duty fell on the unlucky nurse assigned to me that evening, Amanda (pictured obviously much before I became a pain). She was quite the trooper that evening, even as my returning sarcasm became sharper and more haphazard. We must have changed my sheets and gown half a dozen times. The remainder of that day passed without too much more excitement, other than I was beginning to feel much, much better.

The next day (Friday) began with a rude awakening (as my surgeon, Dr. Heise had forecasted). We began the "no epidural" experiment this morning at about 6:00. We replaced the epidural with oxycodone. I have heard that people supposedly abuse this stuff, but after trying two doses, I really don't get it. It basically completely wiped me out and made me want to vomit all morning. At this point I was getting a bit frustrated. It did not seem like I would ever get out of the hospital. Shortly after my horrific morning, we decided to stop using the oxycodone. I told them that I never wanted that garbage again. They made a note in my file. After my detox, I began feeling much better and even had my first solid meal since Saturday, a grilled cheese sandwich and some mashed potatoes. I was also graced by a visit from my brother Derek, and his wife Sheryl. Their aid was indispensable in running interference with my mother. Unfortunately, my excitement over my returning energy and new visitors was short-lived as we still had the task of removing my remaining tubes. First was the JP tube, which if you don't remember was a decent-sized tube sticking out of my abdomen for drainage. I had expressed some concern over getting this removed to Amanda, she said that it wouldn't be bad except for it has a fish-hook like thing on the end. I had to think for a moment before I realized that she was joking. Hilarious. So to take the JP tube out, one of the ever-sensitive residents came in and basically said roll to the side a little bit, and then just started pulling it out like she was Mary Poppins unpacking her luggage. I didn't look, but Derek said he thought that it was three feet long. It kind of felt like someone was pulling my guts out. Good stuff. Once that one was done we still had the epidural and catheter. The epidural itself wasn't bad, but it was affixed to my body basically by tape all over my entire back, the good surgical stuff. On the plus side, I got a free back wax. So then just the catheter was left. That wasn't so bad, but it did burn a bit. Thank goodness it wasn't as long as the JP tube. That would have been bad news. I was left with the task of urinating under my own power within the next six hours with the threat of reinserting a catheter if I didn't. This was not as easy as one would think after not having done so for five days. With much patience and fluids, that task was accomplished and I faded off to sleep...but wait! I wasn't about to get off that easy. Once before the day was done I was awakened by yet another bag leakage, and a night nurse who wasn't as patient as those saintly day nurses. We made it through though, and I eventually got to sleep.

Saturday I woke up feeling pretty good. One of the well-polished residents greeted me this morning with, "How you would like to go home today?" I thought that she was kind of nuts. It seemed like I hadn't felt decent for two days in a row, so inevitably this day would turn. Once Robyn and I talked about it, we decided that there really was no reason for me to stay other than to continue to be a pain in the butt to the staff and to have someone to change my ostomy stuff. After an early morning visit from my brother Jason, his girlfriend Abby, my uncle Ron, and his wife Jean, we began the discharge process. Robyn walked me through changing my ostomy. Once again she was infinitely patient. The change was a success with a few added modifications, including a sporty new belt. Newly fitted with my hospital issued pajama bottom type pants and Obama '08 t-shirt, Jason wheeled me down the hallway and out of the hospital. All in all, it was a pretty decent stay for a pretty crappy procedure (pun only sort of intended, the adjective definitely applies). The nurses for the most part where excellent, even if they did not demonstrate mastery of the English language all of the time, which as a future English educator I take as a personal affront. If any of the nurses happen to be reading this (as I am sure they have much more free time now that I have been discharged and my mother was sure to give everyone the blog address with the zest of a door-to-door encyclopedia salesperson), I just wanted to say thanks for putting up with all of my complaining, whining, pissing, and moaning (well, not so much pissing, that was largely taken care of by the aforementioned catheter), but nonetheless they did an excellent job. That is it for the hospital stay for now (I hope). I would love to update further, but I have a date with a couple of vicodin.