The colon's swan song

It is Sunday evening. I don't think that my colon is expecting anything. It has put up relatively little resistance thus far. We may succeed at this surprise attack yet. I finished the initial stages of my bowel cleanse. All that is left is an enema in the morning. Well, at least I have something left to look forward to. As anyone in this family will attest to, the lack of regular feedings of any member of the Bettini clan results in irritability at a much higher level than normal (hard to believe I know). In order to prep for the surgery, I had to stop eating after breakfast yesterday. This has had the expected result. I tried to plan for the expected physical and mental effects. I thought, "Where could I go that would not only leave me feeling full, but also not wanting to eat again for the foreseeable future?" The only possible answer was the Old Country Buffet. While the food there is only moderately sub-par, the clientele leaves something to be desired. I think that I officially finished my meal shortly after I observed a woman in line for a made-to-order omelet who apparently could not wait to return to her seat before devouring a fried chicken leg. Did I mention that this lady did not appear to need the extra fried chicken leg too badly or that it was 10:30 in the morning? Who eats fried chicken for breakfast? While in line for more breakfast? The image of that slovenly member of society has helped to keep the hunger at bay.

Seeing as this will be the last day for a while that I can foresee having much energy or patience, I thought that I would briefly go over a few more appetizing details concerning the procedure. So the big change over the next few months will be the introduction of an ostomy into my daily life. What's an ostomy you say? Well has anyone seen the opening scenes "Saving Private Ryan" with the Allied troops landing at Normandy? There is one gentleman in particular who is hit by mortar or some other explosive device and is holding his intestines inside his body. Well it is kind of like that except for the fact that I am overdramatic to a fault. Basically, I will have this new "colon" which is newly put together and full of sutures and doesn't know what to do. So while that is healing up, the doctors divert part of my ileum(part of the small intestines) so that it sticks out of my abdomen and then the waste comes out of there into what is essentially a zip-lock bag attached to my stomach with caulk. I know you are thinking, "How can I get one of these?" So that should be fun. After two or three months, I go in for surgery again at which point the doctors hook up my new colon and take out the ileostomy. My summer will largely be spent dealing with this new appliance as they call it. It's not a dishwasher. I think that they need a new term.

Right now it is about seven hours until I need to check in. I should probably get some sleep. I will try to post with an update whenever I am up for it. If anyone is worried in the meantime, you can feel free to call my Mom. Actually, it would probably help to keep her occupied. Her cell is 612-384-9190. Feel free to call for updates. Otherwise, I will see you cats on the flipside.