The end is in sight

So there are a couple of reasons for this sooner than planned for post. The first, and unfortunately mostly informational, is that the last two dates for my last two procedures have finally been determined. On July 25th, I will be get my barium test. I don't foresee too many problems with that one. The other procedure which is for my (drumroll please) takedown is scheduled for August 15th. That is a little later than I had hoped, but I am over halfway there. It is definitely a workable date. The best part is I will be back together for the state fair. Hopefully everything will be up and working for the biggest test ANY gastrointestinal track can face.

The other reason for this post is that a few people (as well as myself) have noticed a decreasing entertainment value in my blog. I will do my best for my fans. So lets see...I do have one story that I excluded from the previous post. I will set the stage. You know when you go to a grand opening at some crappy store or perhaps auto dealer and they serve grade "D" hot dogs, popcorn, and have brightly colored balloons filled with helium? Well, think about those balloons filling with air from the helium tank, but replace the helium tank with a long flexible tube with a camera on the end and the balloon with my ostomy bag, and then just sandwich me in the middle somewhere. That was basically the effect that my last flex sig had on my system. I guess that I was naive when I thought that gas only went one way through the human body. Apparently, if you really try, it can also go the opposite way of what we all think of as natural. And not only that, if you happen to have your intestines sticking out of your body with a hole in them, the gas will escape. So lets paint a picture of my ultimate indignity (well not quite, but bare with me anyway because we all know there have been worse). There I am in a room full of doctors and students with my pants down, a camera in my rear end, and what is essentially a balloon attached to me which is filling up more and more with each additional refreshing burst of air dispensed by said camera into my "colon." I don't know what was going on there, but I am pretty sure that every hole in my body was serving a purpose other than what was intended and was thoroughly confused in the process. Good times.

So that's the only other story that I have. I hoped that I juiced it up enough to hold people over until I get an element from the periodic table squirted into my rectum. With any luck there will be some great stories when I get to the takedown. We can only hope...

Its all downhill from here

I know that these updates are becoming few and far between. This is mainly for two reasons. One, I doubt the attention span of the vast majority of my audience can last for a continuous month. The other is that my activities have basically consisted of nothing. Oh, if only I was lying. As much as everyone complains about having too much work and not enough free time, it is actually much better than the alternative. The slow train to boredom and insanity has already left the station. Sure, I have tried to keep busy with assorted chores, but it certainly does not occupy 40 hours per week.

On to the main reason for this update. Last Thursday (the 3rd) I had my follow-up flex sig. I believe that we all recall my earlier explanation. It didn't go too badly. Unfortunately, I do not have the rapport with this particular surgeon that I have had with previous doctors, so I had to watch my language. As with any procedure that is performed on me, there was a small audience to observe this medical oddity. It wouldn't be the same if there wasn't. Dr. Heise tried to reassure me once I disrobed that they were there to look in my backside, not at it. This was not reassuring at all. I expect nothing less than to be ogled.

Once the camera was inside and past the staples, I ventured a peek at the monitor. It didn't look too bad compared to other pictures I have seen of my dearly departed diseased and ulcerated colon. He said that everything looked good and that we would schedule the next step (the barium test) in a couple of weeks. If everything looks good with that, I might have the takedown done by the end of July. That would be the last step, at least for a while. He also mentioned that things may need to be...stretched out down there. This process is similar to basically a colonoscopy, but with much more barbaric intentions. If that is the worst that I need to worry about though, I can handle it.

So to sum everything up, I am doing well (except for the boredom), and everything is on schedule and looking good. I will update again in a couple of weeks once the barium test is done and hopefully the takedown is scheduled.